About Shame: article for personal growth...by psychotherapist-in-training (myself)

About Shame From Personal Experience ...
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I know firsthand what the feeling of shame is, how it manifests itself physically, and most importantly, how it affects my emotional state, self-concept, and, as a result, my manifestation in relationships with other people.

I will give an example from my personal experience. Imagine this situation: I am going to partake in an educational training. The training is held online with the obligatory condition that the participants must be present with their cameras turned on.

Half an hour before connecting to the online conference metamorphoses begin to happen to me...

A swarm of thoughts appears in my head: “Do you really have to go there?”, “What will happen if you let it go?”, “Maybe I should be late?”, “I wonder what will happen if I don’t turn on my camera right away?”, “Why do I need all this at all! I’d rather do something more useful!”

After I finally manage to get through these thoughts toward the realization that this is nothing more than an avoidance mechanism. And the realization that I am dealing with nothing more than the “shame of being seen by other people”, I begin to prepare myself. I comb my hair, put on light makeup and get dressed, that is to “embellish the outer facade”, thinking to myself: “at least if I appear fully dressed up it won’t be so noticeable that I am actually worried and afraid.”

My suffering does not end there... finally there comes the moment to connect to the conference and press the “turn on camera” button. The annoying thought crosses my mind once again: “Maybe I’ll do it without a camera ... or what if I am actually make myself being late!” After tossing the alternatives, I realize that it will be even more scary for me to connect to the conference when it has already started, because then I will attract even more attention to myself, and this is exactly what I am afraid of. And so, I connected to the conference and... froze!

From the therapeutic position, we can discuss what was happening and offer many views on the situation, for example, toxic shame, childhood trauma, fear of rejection, attachment issues, and so on and on. But I will focus on shame, since my goal in this article is to talk about shame.

What is shame?  Shame is a social feeling that arises when another person sees me doing something that I shouldn't do. For the feeling of shame to appear, an observer is needed, that is, someone who will see (watch, hear, observe). It is also necessary that I do an action that, according to some normative conditions, falls into the category of socially unacceptable, condemned, unacceptable. So, for example, it is enough for shame to arise if a parent, having caught a child eating candy, says in an unfriendly, strict, raised voice that frightens the child, "You can't do that, and I will punish you for it!"

Coming back to my example… let’s look at it in this context. At the conference, I will be seen by other people (observers), and this alone is enough for me to experience the complexity of emotional-cognitive affect. In my example, I begin to experience the effect (which I call toxic shame) in advance, in my anticipation of what will happen, which is my fantasy. Moreover, I did not commit an unacceptable act yet, but I am already anticipating the negative result and overwhelmed by the negative feelings, such as anxiety, fear, shame. This leads me to the conclusion that I am experiencing a toxic shame (a learned reaction to messages we received in childhood, to which we have had nothing to do).

What am I ashamed of? In my example with the conference, I know in advance that I will need to participate in group discussions and activities, I will need to say out loud my opinions and be interactive (this is what training is about, and it expected from everyone). I knew it in advance, and this knowledge gave me a solid idea that I would be seen, but this is exactly what I am afraid of. I am afraid and ashamed of showing myself in front of other people. I am afraid because I am toxically ashamed of being noticed by others.

I assume that my traumatic experience arises from a place in the past where I had no place to be seen and heard as I was. Or maybe the way I showed off was not accepted, was not appealing or desired by significant adults. To sum it up, I was not accepted as I am, and now my toxic shame grows out of this experience. Again, my focus in this article in the gestalt approach of “here and now”, dealing with the situation at its current state without going back into the past (that could potentially lead toward the attachment trauma).
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How to work with shame is the question that many therapists-in-training ask, and I am not the exception. Once, in my gestalt therapy training module, I heard the concept that it is impossible to work with shame directly, since it is difficult to grasp it, much less come up with an intervention that would change anything. But I believe that through awareness of the process itself, deep understanding of its roots, as well as by allowing ourselves to experience shame, embarrassment and fear, embracing these uneasy emotions and making them our own will provide an opportunity for personal transformation. At this moment shame will cease.

Kristina Ivanova
Gestalt psychotherapist - in - training.
Online consultations available by appointment.